Making friends with Unknown

Unknown and I have been friends for a while.

She was always hanging around like a kid sister, wanting attention. But she was pretty quiet about it and I didn’t really take notice of her until about five years ago.

She’s a loyal friend to me, but, to be totally honest, I’m a fair-weather friend to her.

Sometimes she’s exciting to be around. Then I’m totally on her side. She’s my bestie and together we blaze new trails up mountains and skip hand in hand down colorful neighborhoods in unexplored cities.

Sometimes, though, she’s downright scary to be around, I know it’s not her fault, but I blame her. Sometimes I lash out and cry and throw a fit. Sometimes I recoil and try to ignore her.

She just sticks around with a wise smile and waits for me to get it together.

My favorite thing about her are the surprises. Man she’s come up with some amazing surprises! I’ve been blindsided with bliss at some of the things she’s arranged for me.

One time she led me to a farm in the desert! We ate lots of chard and beets and carrots and hiked around on slickrock. There were a bunch of kindhearted people that became new friends there, too.

Another time she took me to Idaho. She pulls this kind of thing a lot.

“Idaho?!” I asked with a cocked brow. “Seriously?” I was really skeptical about this journey.

“Trust me.” She said, sweet but firm. (How does she never get irritated with me?)

So I did.

Of course more magic awaited that I never could have anticipated. (Have you been to Idaho?) She guided me to the most serene place I’ve been. It started from the outside; sitting watching those majestic Sawtooth Mountains brought me instant peace. Eventually the feeling seeped in through my pores, entered with each inhalation, and stayed with me internally.

The thing is that she’s always doing stuff like this. She loves it. It feels like a gift to me, but the truth is that it’s just how she is. She’ll do it for you, too. That’s just her thing.

Knowing her tremendous capacity to give, I’m not sure why I keep resisting her. She does get a kick out of that cocked eyebrow and all my skepticism and hesitancy. But, like all good friends, she sees the best in me.

She beckons my boldness. Whether I like it or not, she challenges me. I know she’d never lead me into something I can’t handle (even though at the time I can’t always see how). In that way she sorta knows me better than I know myself.

I learn a lot from her, too.

I admire her sense of adventure and play. She’s the kind of gal who walks smilingly through the rain and opens any unlocked door (they’re always unlocked!).

“What’s in here? What’s over here?” she asks constantly. She always wants to talk to strangers—“Just friends you haven’t met yet” she says—and try new things.

Comfortable is uncomfortable to her. When the days start looking too similar, she suggests we go on an adventure or call someone we haven’t talked to in a while.

“I know!” she’ll exclaim, “Let’s go to the library and pick a book at random to read. Maybe we’ll get to learn about covered wagons or Jewish history or bird calls!”

Again, my skeptical raised eyebrow appears. But with her by my side, I know I’ll learn something relevant—bird calls and all are just metaphors for life. She’s always pointing that kind of stuff out.

Her wonder and wisdom astound me. That’s why despite the rough patches, I think Unknown and I will be friends for life.

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Fear and Deliberate Ignorance

Aside

Backpacker in Cairns

Some folks use research or “thinking it through” as a way to try to understand what they’re getting themselves into. The “pros” and “cons” folks. If you aren’t one yourself, it’s likely you know someone who is. This usually goes one of two ways. When pros and cons are balanced or in favor of the “pros” you move forward. Or, when “cons” outweigh “pros” you decided not to move forward or do so with hesitancy or fear.

The former situation looks like: What am I getting myself into? I don’t know for sure, but it seems like it’ll be okay/good.

The latter situation looks like: What am I getting myself into!? I don’t know for sure, but it seems like a bad idea.

This can be really effective, but there are hang-ups. For one, we might notice our “cons” columns are consistently longer. This could be because of our brain’s negativity bias or our general evolutionary tendency to be cautious. I think of myself as generally optimistic, but I gotta tell ya, it’s incredibly easy for me to think of all the “negative” things that might happen in any given situation.

For another thing, we can never really know what we’re getting ourselves into when we move into uncharted territory (aka life). Even when we’ve done something before—say, travel or change jobs—each time we (re)encounter a situation we ourselves have changed and any given element of the situation—the country you’re traveling to, the job market—could have changed.

This is why I’m not really a “pros and cons” kinda gal.

I’m more in the “feel the fear and do it anyway” camp. That’s what I think anyway.

When I look at what I actually do, it’s more like “feel, but don’t dwell in, fear + take swift action.”

I think of this as skillful naïveté and started calling it deliberate ignorance.

When I first wrote about deliberate living, I said:

The main reason I chose to use the word deliberate is because of what is contained within it—deLIBERATE.

Living intentionally and being choice-full about our decisions, actions, and behaviors liberates us from the status quo and from acting in accordance with amorphous but well understood societal expectations we may or may not resonate with.

Deliberate Ignorance is a tool we can use to become more conscious about the choices we make that affect our lives and happiness. It’s a powerful way to work with fear to get unstuck and move ourselves forward.

By deliberate ignorance I mean: I don’t think or look so much into a potential situation that I scare myself out of doing it. Instead, I replace thinking with feeling. Tapping into my internal guidance system, if and when I have an intuitive good sense that I’d like to do something, I make a move.

Without deliberate ignorance, I could easily be paralyzed by fear or live in perpetual purgatory, torturing myself with “what if’s?”

That being said, I wouldn’t advocate being blind to real risks and dangers. However, these are often blown out of proportion both in terms of probability and effects.

For example, last winter I traveled independently for the first time in Central America.

Did I feel fear?

Hell yes.

Did I dwell in it–consider getting a refund for my ticket or listen to folks with vague but strong cautions about the dangers despite never having traveled there themselves?

Nope.

Harnessing the power of deliberate ignorance, I did just enough research to learn where in Guatemala the good language schools were concentrated (Xela and Antigua) and which volcano hikes have the best views (Lago Atitlan!). I did enough research to realize that I’d feel more comfortable as a solo female traveler if I stayed out of the biggest cities where violent crime tends to be concentrated.

In sum, I did enough research to keep me excited and informed, but disregarded all hyperbolic content (there’s a lot of this out there, not just travel-related but life-decisions-related as well).

Mostly I remembered I just needed to arrive and start going through the motions in order to prove to myself I could do it. Fear is something we face moment by moment and is best dealt with in the doing…not the pre-doing rumination that happens in our minds.

As I went along in Guatemala, some fears dissipated with each moment I saw that “the worst” hadn’t happened. (“The worst” thing varies for folks, but usually at the very worst, I think, “I’ll die.” It hasn’t happened yet.) And yet other, new fears arose as I encountered new situations.

When all was said and done, I learned a lot about myself, and I added a lot of currency to my courage & confidence banks. A little deliberate ignorance can help us go(!) a long way.

Photo Credit: jcoterhals

How to get unstuck.

“Don’t wait for the right answer and the golden path to present themselves.

This is precisely why you’re stuck. Starting without seeing the end is difficult, so we often wait until we see the end, scanning relentlessly for the right way, the best way and the perfect way.

The way to get unstuck is to start down the wrong path, right now.

Step by step, page by page, interaction by interaction. As you start moving, you can’t help but improve, can’t help but incrementally find yourself getting back toward your north star.

You might not end up with perfect, but it’s significantly more valuable than being stuck.

Don’t just start. Continue. Ship. Repeat.”

From Seth Godin’s blog

He’s part of my team of supporters in my effort to Go!